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"Whose Line is it Anyway?"
Karen's first (UK version)
Let's Make a Date
(I just gotta thank Quink for this...if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be able to transcribe it)
CLIVE: And they're gonna come down and step forward from the World's Worst step as they come up with examples of the World's Worst chat-up line, or pick-up line, as you might call it.
RYAN: Hi there. You know I've, uh...got cable.
GREG: You don't sweat much for a fat chick.
KAREN: These implants are bio-degradeable. [laughs]
COLIN: You know, I have wooden legs. I know how to get rid of splinters. [makes a confused face]
KAREN: [Asian accent] I'm looking for a man who can give me a green card...
GREG: Well when I was a woman I used to go for guys like me.
RYAN: Sure I'd like to have sex, but it's hard to find four or five hours during the day.
COLIN: Wanna hear a hoedown?
RYAN: Uh, my name is Gary but my friends call me 'Tony the Pony.'
KAREN: You look just like my dad. [laughs]
GREG: So, you're the Duchess of York. You wanna go to an all-you-can-eat place?
COLIN: You know, I can make love in over one position.
CLIVE: Okay, thank you very much, while I work out the points for that we'll take a break. See you after that. Bye.
Karen's second (UK version)
CLIVE: And the scene you gotta do is, you are two couples who have been on a holiday, and an affair has been going on. That's the scene that you're acting, with questions only, away you go.
KAREN: Would you put more oil on my back, Louie?
COLIN: Do you think they suspect?
KAREN: You think he saw us coming over here when he went to get that, uh, Mai-Tai for us?
[Colin exits, Greg enters]
GREG: You've been seeing another man, haven't you?
KAREN: Oh, what do you mean?
GREG: Well, you...I don't know.
[Greg exits, Colin enters]
CLIVE: There was a question there, if you just re-arrange the words.
GREG: I don't know?
KAREN: Do you want to tell him or do I want to?
[Colin shrugs, Karen exits]
COLIN: Where did she go?
RYAN: Why did you stop rubbing my back?
COLIN: Don't you think people are getting suspicious?
RYAN: What people?
COLIN: Can't you see all the people on the beach?
RYAN: Would you rub a little lower?
COLIN: Do you mean here?
RYAN: Are you scared of me?
COLIN: Is it that obvious?
RYAN: Doesn't it show on your face?
COLIN: Were you looking at my face?
RYAN: Do you really think it's that hard?
COLIN: Are you still talking about my face?
RYAN: What were you thinking?
GREG: Is...that a new cologne you're wearing?
RYAN: Is it that obvious?
GREG: Did you wear it just to please me?
RYAN: Is there anyone else?
GREG: Do you think she knows about...us?
RYAN: Is there a girl involved?
GREG: Didn't you see her?
RYAN: Is she the one with the big...
GREG: Don't you know what a girl looks like?
[Ryan exits, Karen enters]
GREG: Apparently not.
KAREN: Do you want to touch my breasts right now?
GREG: (excited) Do I?!
[Karen exits, Ryan enters, Greg touches Ryan's breasts]
RYAN: Are they okay?
Film and Theatre Styles
CLIVE: Uh, Greg, you're firing Karen from her job as a Red Riding Hood at the fairy tale theme park. An everday scene for you. Just do it as normal, whatever normal would be in that context, and I'll give you some styles in a moment.
KAREN: This cape is choking me! (cough)
GREG: Cindy, uh, I've been having a talk with the main office and uh, well, there seems to be kind of a problem with your performance as Red Riding Hood here. Not that we don't like it! Uh, we think kids deserve discipline too. We just don't think it's appropriate that you hit them as often.
KAREN: Well when they start yanking at me and stuff Mr. Smithers, it really bugs me!
GREG: Yes, but putting ecstasy in your basket...it's just not appropriate.
CLIVE: [buzz] Star Trek.
GREG: (as Captain Kirk) You...can't go on! [long pause] Being Red Riding Hood...you're....fired!
CLIVE: [buzz] Beavis and Butthead.
[Greg and Karen start to laugh a la Beavis and Butthead]
KAREN: Uhhuhuhuh. You said fired instead of, like, hard.
CLIVE: [buzz] All right, now Tennessee Williams.
KAREN: (southern accent) It's so hot in here. I mean, you are my stepdaddy brother. I thought maybe you could, like, maybe do me a favor and look the other way.
(to be continued...)
CLIVE: ...we go onto Soap Opera. Uh, this is for all four contestants. They're gonna come on down, they've gotta act out a soap opera. Uh, Ryan and Karen are going to start the scene, and then Greg and Colin will come in as the plot develops. Uum, the first scene, setting up maybe, and then we'll buzz and do the end scene of the episode. So, can you think of somewhere unlikely that you wouldn't set a soap opera, unless you were mad.
WOMAN: A public toilet!
CLIVE: A public toilet. I'll call it at your convenience, or something like that, I suppose.
I'm, I'm risking this one. Let's go in a public toilet. As we pulled from the audience.
That's where the soap opera is set.
RYAN: I've mixed you a martini.
KAREN: Cheers, Chad.
RYAN: Cheers, Karen.
KAREN: To the best washroom attendant I've ever got to work with. [She pretends to clean toilets with a brush.]
RYAN: You know, Karen, I've been attracted to you for a long time. [He mimes purchasing a condom from a vending machine.]
I was wondering...if later, well...if later we might go by your place.
KAREN: That sounds right. I've needed one of these for...well, uh, two days.
RYAN: Is my breath-breath bad? 'Cause...use one of these mints.
GREG: [He enters.] Excuse me fella, do ya mind? [He notices Karen.] Ma...Great...googly moogly. I thought...w - this is a co-ed...Karen! You!
GREG: What the hell are you both doing in this public toilet?
RYAN: What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were dead.
GREG: This is Karen and mine's special place!
KAREN: All right.
GREG: We meet here every anniversary.
RYAN: I think I peed here first, Karen.
COLIN: [He enters.] No one will be peeing in this public washroom anymore!
GREG: Sergeant Griswald!
COLIN: That's right! I've bought every public washroom in a five-mile radius! I'm the urinal cake man!
KAREN: Oh my god! [She lifts up an imaginary toilet seat.] He's the "Griswald" on the seat!
RYAN: Maybe when Karen has her baby, things will - [He realizes what he just said; stops in mid-sentence.]
GREG: Baby? You didn't tell me you were having a baby with...him!
KAREN: Oh, well, I was going to, but I was going to wait until we cleaned out the last urinal.
CLIVE: [Buzz] Let's skip to the end scene now of this episode.
COLIN: I've decided I'm going to open all the urinals.
COLIN: I don't know what I was thinking. Just the sight of that little child there, just wanting to go, but not able to.
RYAN: I'm the happiest father on Earth. Have a rubber! [He hands imaginary condoms to Greg and Colin.] Have a rubber.
CLIVE: [Buzz] Okay, thank you very much. I...I think it's safe to say that's the worst soap opera ever. Uh, but then again, there was Crossroads.
Karen's third (UK version)
CLIVE: Is the party ready, Greg?
GREG: Yes, it's a come-as-your-favorite-Teletubby party.
CLIVE: It's catching on, even here.
GREG: (as a Teletubby) La-la!
CLIVE: [rings doorbell]
KAREN: [enters] (shouting) Shut up! Why do I have to be at this stupid party?! Your food sucks! Your food just suuucks! [stomps feet] I wanna go see Van Halen! God!
GREG: Would you...would you like a...a soft drink?
CLIVE: [rings doorbell]
KAREN: I'm not gonna get that. I'm not gonna get that. I'm not gonna get that.
GREG: Okay. You stay...you stay right where you are. Bitchy valley girl, Valerie Bertinelli-type...
KAREN: Just an old man. My old man.
GREG: Uh, y-oh, you...you're my ex-wife, you're my wife and you're...you're my underage bride. You're...You're...I wish you were my underage bride. And then the show would be longer and funnier.
CLIVE: More like...not quite a relationship, like that...
KAREN: My dad.
GREG: (laughing) You're my daughter!
CLIVE: Daughter, well done! You got it from that tiny clue!
Karen's fourth (US version)
A complete transcript of this episode is available at "Yet Another Website, This One by Scott." Click on "The American Whose Line is it Anyway? episode capsules!" under "Whose Line is it Anyway?" and read the transcript for episode 105. Credit for this one goes to Scott.
Karen's fifth (US version)
A complete transcript of this episode is available at "Yet Another Website, This One by Scott." Click on "The American Whose Line is it Anyway? episode capsules!" under "Whose Line is it Anyway?" and read the transcript for episode 217. Credit for this one goes to Scott.
Karen's sixth (US version, most recent)
A complete transcript of this episode is available at "Yet Another Website, This One by Scott." Click on "The American Whose Line is it Anyway? episode capsules!" under "Whose Line is it Anyway?" and read the transcript for episode 235.
I transcribed this episode, Scott added the HTML and made the capsule for it.